The few people that have been following my rather infrequent blogs, will know that I have been in a period of seriously re-evaluating my life.  The process has been painful, uncomfortable, magical and joyous.  I knew that my life was stressful, and just "not working" for me on a deep level.  I faced myself with that reality a while ago, but didn't know what to "do" about it.  I circled around and around, and fell into the trap of believing that the answer was "out there" somewhere.  I am beginning to look in the right place (in there!) and the process is becoming more stable, and slightly more practical :) 

I know that it is really easy to say that we choose how our lives are, and I know that it is really easy to say "yes.......but".  I am really feeling right now that there is no "but".  It is hard work owning all of my life, my decisions, my actions, and my feelings.   BUT..........  it is exceedingly freeing and clarifying to stop owning the decisions, actions and feelings of others.

In the last very intense month, it looked very much as if my marriage was over.  Luckily I think we are going to make it.  I was afraid that if I was totally honest, then I would loose him.  In the end it was total honesty that saved us.  We have seen very clearly that for many years now, we have been taking responsibility for the other person in deeply unhealthy ways, ways that felt very loving and caring, but were the root cause of a great deal of anger and a fundamental barrier between us.  In trying to deal with the other persons anger, and "make it better" we where on a fundamental level trying to "fix" each others lives. We have now taken back responsibility for dealing with our own lives, and letting the other deal with theirs.  This feels so much lighter, because even though it is hard work, it is achievable, rather than impossible.

I am left with no-one to blame, every-one to love, and an interesting challenge to live life to the full.

What would you say to me if I said that I had been offered everything I ever wanted, and am having to explore the possiblity of not taking it?  I need some feed back here.  How much in life do we take into account the needs or at least the apparent needs of our loved ones, when they seem to conflict with our own needs? 

Many years ago I went to see a phycic.  I have to say that he wasn't all that good, but he said "the world needs you honey".  At the time I laughed.  Sometimes though it does seem like the world needs me, and that is good for my ego, but really really bad for my spirit.  The truth that I have seen very clearly the last few days is, that the world does need me.  Not to give anything, not to "fix" anything, just to be me.  Just to simply own the wonderfulness that I am.  I try so often to give something of myself away, but then there is a little less of me, for the next person, and then the next.  But when I simply share who I am, and know who I am , and own who I am, then there is endless amounts of me, and those who want to share are welcome, and never a burden, that leaves me feeling a little bit less.  Less able to help, less able to give, less able to be.  And when I own my own wonderfulness, then I can see the wonderfulness of others, and feel the wonderfulness of all of us.  Love is a journey, and I am walking it again.

Absolutely....... any takers??????

Seriously though, I have a great job(s)  I just wish that I could take a break so that I could take a little time to discover who I am out-with work, children etc.  But then maybe that is missing the point???  But if there is somebody out there with a load of money that they don't know what to do with, then I am up for being sponsored to "find myself" :)

Though I was told the other day that the most important step to finding yourself, is to get lost!  I have been making great strides in that direction the last few months.  I am beginning to find myself sneaking back in around the edges though since the beginning of the year.

I learned a long time ago that gratitude is a huge part of manifestation.  So I was busy exploring all the things that I was going to manefest in 2008..."thank you for all the time with the family", "thank you for all the money" etc etc.  In the end though it all seemed rather hollow and contrived and most importantly not trusting the universe.  In the end I ended up with simply "thank you for 2008" and that seemed just right.

When I got to the office this morning, then the big wall calender of 2007, had partly fallen off the wall, and was lying squint.  I looked at it and laughed, because it seems to represent how 2007 has been.  It feels like this year just hasn't been able to support itself properly, but neither has it completely collapsed.  Normally at this time of year I am looking back and saying, wow, hasn't the year gone quickly.  This year seems to have taken forever.  It is weird because, I have most definitely had worse years than this year, and I have had some truly exceptional experiences in the last 12 months, it just feels like there haven't been any spaces in-between "everything" in order to rest and allow everything to settle into place.  I guess the best word for this year would be "hectic"

So what word describes 2008?  I was searching around for the one that "fits" I looked around "calm" and "restful" first, but neither seemed to settle into place.  Suddenly "joyful" lept into view, plumped up the cushions, and made itself comfortable for the year ahead.  So here is to a joyful 2008, and the chance to fully digest the multitude of ups and downs of 2007.

Before I can even start to answer this question, then I have to point out that there is a difference between "feelings" and emotions.  Feelings are more intuative, and emotions are very much based in the physical.  The body is wired for emotion, and emotion is more prone to reacting on a slightly more primative, and reactive level.  I have every respect for emotion, but I try to be aware when it is running the show, and I often observe more stable results when it isn't. 

So am I affected by reason, I guess I am, I like reason, and the illusion that everything is explainable and therefore predictable.  I don't really think that that program should be running the show either (though it often is)

I really try to follow my feelings, and find that life is more flowing and magical in so many subtle and wonderful ways when they are leading the way.

 

Feelings are subtle,

Quiet and wise.

And gently

Point

The way.



Emotions are obvious,

Strong and intense.

And can get

IN

The way!

Love is strength, the strength to be totally honest and open.  Love, loves EVERYTHING, success and failure.  Love can stand up and say, NO just as easily as YES.  Love has respect for EVERYONE, and that includes the self, love does not ask for sacrifices, but it does offer the strength to grow through the most difficult of circumstances.  Love is a state of being that acknowledges every other state of being with compassion.  True love disolves the illusion of boundaries, while finding joy that the boundaries seem to exsist.


Love doesn't tell you who you are.
It asks, and accepts,
the answer it gets.

A lot of questions have been answered for me in the last couple of days.

Am I destined to be glorious on a stage in front of thousands..... not really!  I did turn up for the audition, my voice was tired, and I had no great hopes, but I did expect to get further than I did.  I have always suffered from stage fright, but in the past I have managed to rise above it.  Perhaps the mistake I made this time, was that I decided that I would not have any fear, and so it overwhelmed me when it did appear.  When my moment came, I literally couldn't breath.  I am proud that I still managed to sing (though perhaps I shouldn't have!).  I sang with my eyes firmly shut, desperately trying to "find" the music.  I wasn't out of tune, just totally out of body. Weirdly enough they decided very quickly that I wasn't the performer they were looking for :)

As I said before though this has still been a valuable process, strangely enough then the biggest lesson I have learned is that I should spend time with myself regularly in front of the mirror, the experience of being with myself in this way has affected me in many positive ways.

This whole thing has shaken me out of the rut I was in, and showed me how much of my life I do not need to escape from, and reminded me of the huge gratitude I have for the existence of my gorgeous family, however demanding life with them may be. 

It was weird to feel the respect from friends simply for "giving it a go".

I can't help comparing that terrified woman, from yesterday, to the woman that a few months ago, was dancing barefoot in the rain, with a guy I had only met two days before (on a course). It was an incredible course, and every-one was feeling the freedom, of exploring who they really were.  There was an underpass, under a busy road nearby, that had incredible acoustics, and I dragged a few people there and we sang, gloriously, chaotically, as strangers rushed past pretending we didn't exist.  And we didn't care, didn't pause in response to their presence, because it didn't matter, in fact their was joy in knowing that we where in some way shaking them up in their perceptions of "how life was" or more accurately "how you can be in your life". 

Earlier that same month I had been running around the garden with my daughter, it was a hot day, and one of those impressive summer downpours.  We had our arms flung wide, and where chanting/laughing "it's raining".  My son came home soaking wet, and immediately started crying, because he was not enjoying being wet, and he thought we where laughing at him, so we stopped.  That experience is an extreme example of the way I, so often. feel pulled in more than one direction at once.  My 3 kids are very different characters, needing very different forms of nurturing, and there is only one of me!  But then the 3 of them are so nourishing in their differences.

Looks like the "considerings" are unavoidable.  I will be able to look back and say I did the best I could "considering" that I am tired and full of the cold.

Good news is, I have been pampered, proded, plucked and polished with a prepoderance of perplexing potions, and I look better than I have done in years.  Being ill and stressed for a month has also made me loose weight.  I didn't really need to, but any little helps right??

The chances of me simply not going are fairly high at this point, but if I manage to really take it easy tomorrow,  perhaps I will get a sudden last burst of energy.  If not then I wil have to rely on an adrenalin surge suddenly propelling me towards brilliance.

It has still been a valuable process, however it turns out though