It's been a roller coster of a weekend.  The kids have been great with their rather unpredictable mum.  Satuarday I got to the peak of feeling ill, my neck was swollen, and my sinusses totally blocked.  I was totally fried and decided that there was no way that I was going to do the audition.  Sunday, I woke up and cried, and cried and cried (I don't mind crying if it is a release, and this was).  I finally roused myself when my 4 year old sat on the end of the bed and sang hallelulias (Kindergarten took them to church last week to sing christmas carols).  I would have been inhuman to ignore her childish but irresistable invitation to "get over it"  and see that joy is everywhere even if I can't see it.

I have so far failed miserably at taking time off, but I have no patients tomorrow and hubby gets home (hallelulia!)

I have however spent time in front of the mirror as promised, and actually that has helped.  Deep down I actually quite like myself, and it has felt a bit like getting to know an old freind again.  My voice is starting to return, and although it still lacks any real power behind it, then I have 6 days to sort that out.

I have decided what I am going to wear, and actually I don't brush up too bad :)

Have failed to exersise, but the state I was in, I forgive myself, and the weather has been horrible, and going for a walk in it, would probably have finnished me off for good.

The problem with starting to feel better though is that I am starting to realise, that I really, really want this, the idea of leaving my life for a while and singing is a very attractive one.  I have always loved musicals, since I can remember, and the thought of being in one is absolutely enthralling.  So now I have to get to grips with the fact that I might go through this and not make it (pretty likely when you think how many others "really want this" too).   But at the end of the day then I can either stay home that Sunday, might get a lie in, do the washing, cook dinner.  Basically  I have to go  even if I am terrified.

I am really not feeling all that confident today, but my confidence levels are swinging wildly, so I am not sure that means anything.

There is a very grey line between confidence and self delusion, and standing in front of the mirror, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.  My voice is still not good, and part of me feels that it will never be at this rate.

As a teenager I was actually offered the lead in the school musical, I couldn't take it because I was moving schools. That time I didn't even audition, I had just sung in the yearly school competition and won (joint first).  The funny thing was that nerves had introduced a vibrato that certainly hadn't been there when I was practicing.  Apparently it sounded really impressive, but frankly I thought it was awful!

I really have to make sure that I don't get too nervous, so I have been meditating and associating tv cameras with deep relaxation. 

This whole tprocess  is going to be valuable though even if I don't make it to the audition/get any further.  It has forced me to reawaken elements of my personality that have been sleeping for far too long.  It was only a few weeks ago that I was on a course and I really got in touch with the need to own my "largeness" and this is about as good a way of testing that ability as any :)

Looks like the "considerings" are unavoidable.  I will be able to look back and say I did the best I could "considering" that I am tired and full of the cold.

Good news is, I have been pampered, proded, plucked and polished with a prepoderance of perplexing potions, and I look better than I have done in years.  Being ill and stressed for a month has also made me loose weight.  I didn't really need to, but any little helps right??

The chances of me simply not going are fairly high at this point, but if I manage to really take it easy tomorrow,  perhaps I will get a sudden last burst of energy.  If not then I wil have to rely on an adrenalin surge suddenly propelling me towards brilliance.

It has still been a valuable process, however it turns out though

A lot of questions have been answered for me in the last couple of days.

Am I destined to be glorious on a stage in front of thousands..... not really!  I did turn up for the audition, my voice was tired, and I had no great hopes, but I did expect to get further than I did.  I have always suffered from stage fright, but in the past I have managed to rise above it.  Perhaps the mistake I made this time, was that I decided that I would not have any fear, and so it overwhelmed me when it did appear.  When my moment came, I literally couldn't breath.  I am proud that I still managed to sing (though perhaps I shouldn't have!).  I sang with my eyes firmly shut, desperately trying to "find" the music.  I wasn't out of tune, just totally out of body. Weirdly enough they decided very quickly that I wasn't the performer they were looking for :)

As I said before though this has still been a valuable process, strangely enough then the biggest lesson I have learned is that I should spend time with myself regularly in front of the mirror, the experience of being with myself in this way has affected me in many positive ways.

This whole thing has shaken me out of the rut I was in, and showed me how much of my life I do not need to escape from, and reminded me of the huge gratitude I have for the existence of my gorgeous family, however demanding life with them may be. 

It was weird to feel the respect from friends simply for "giving it a go".

I can't help comparing that terrified woman, from yesterday, to the woman that a few months ago, was dancing barefoot in the rain, with a guy I had only met two days before (on a course). It was an incredible course, and every-one was feeling the freedom, of exploring who they really were.  There was an underpass, under a busy road nearby, that had incredible acoustics, and I dragged a few people there and we sang, gloriously, chaotically, as strangers rushed past pretending we didn't exist.  And we didn't care, didn't pause in response to their presence, because it didn't matter, in fact their was joy in knowing that we where in some way shaking them up in their perceptions of "how life was" or more accurately "how you can be in your life". 

Earlier that same month I had been running around the garden with my daughter, it was a hot day, and one of those impressive summer downpours.  We had our arms flung wide, and where chanting/laughing "it's raining".  My son came home soaking wet, and immediately started crying, because he was not enjoying being wet, and he thought we where laughing at him, so we stopped.  That experience is an extreme example of the way I, so often. feel pulled in more than one direction at once.  My 3 kids are very different characters, needing very different forms of nurturing, and there is only one of me!  But then the 3 of them are so nourishing in their differences.

Love is strength, the strength to be totally honest and open.  Love, loves EVERYTHING, success and failure.  Love can stand up and say, NO just as easily as YES.  Love has respect for EVERYONE, and that includes the self, love does not ask for sacrifices, but it does offer the strength to grow through the most difficult of circumstances.  Love is a state of being that acknowledges every other state of being with compassion.  True love disolves the illusion of boundaries, while finding joy that the boundaries seem to exsist.


Love doesn't tell you who you are.
It asks, and accepts,
the answer it gets.

Before I can even start to answer this question, then I have to point out that there is a difference between "feelings" and emotions.  Feelings are more intuative, and emotions are very much based in the physical.  The body is wired for emotion, and emotion is more prone to reacting on a slightly more primative, and reactive level.  I have every respect for emotion, but I try to be aware when it is running the show, and I often observe more stable results when it isn't. 

So am I affected by reason, I guess I am, I like reason, and the illusion that everything is explainable and therefore predictable.  I don't really think that that program should be running the show either (though it often is)

I really try to follow my feelings, and find that life is more flowing and magical in so many subtle and wonderful ways when they are leading the way.

 

Feelings are subtle,

Quiet and wise.

And gently

Point

The way.



Emotions are obvious,

Strong and intense.

And can get

IN

The way!

When I got to the office this morning, then the big wall calender of 2007, had partly fallen off the wall, and was lying squint.  I looked at it and laughed, because it seems to represent how 2007 has been.  It feels like this year just hasn't been able to support itself properly, but neither has it completely collapsed.  Normally at this time of year I am looking back and saying, wow, hasn't the year gone quickly.  This year seems to have taken forever.  It is weird because, I have most definitely had worse years than this year, and I have had some truly exceptional experiences in the last 12 months, it just feels like there haven't been any spaces in-between "everything" in order to rest and allow everything to settle into place.  I guess the best word for this year would be "hectic"

So what word describes 2008?  I was searching around for the one that "fits" I looked around "calm" and "restful" first, but neither seemed to settle into place.  Suddenly "joyful" lept into view, plumped up the cushions, and made itself comfortable for the year ahead.  So here is to a joyful 2008, and the chance to fully digest the multitude of ups and downs of 2007.