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grateful
June 2008 
Struggling
Posted on Apr 12th, 2007
by 
HumanlyPossible
HumanlyPossible
I have been struggling for over a week now. There is a line that I exsist on either side of. I am either in my "grateful space" or I am "not in my grateful space". For ten days now, I have had to conciously push myself into the grateful space, rather than finding myself there with ease.
I would love to regale you with a list of reasons why I have been struggling, probably throwing in a few jokes, and "bright sides". The "poor me list" is a habit I in the process of breaking, however, so I will restrain myself. I will say that on a scale of world problems, mine barely register :)
Today though, circumstances return to "normal". Reasons I have had to push myself so hard are gone, and yet I find myself decending into the space that I have avoided for days. I guess it is a strong lesson, that however much you intend to be a certain person, and live a certain way, then if you are not really "there" then there is always a price to pay for pretending. My price today is a few tears, and a deep sense of grief for the "need to struggle" to be who I choose to be.
I would love to regale you with a list of reasons why I have been struggling, probably throwing in a few jokes, and "bright sides". The "poor me list" is a habit I in the process of breaking, however, so I will restrain myself. I will say that on a scale of world problems, mine barely register :)
Today though, circumstances return to "normal". Reasons I have had to push myself so hard are gone, and yet I find myself decending into the space that I have avoided for days. I guess it is a strong lesson, that however much you intend to be a certain person, and live a certain way, then if you are not really "there" then there is always a price to pay for pretending. My price today is a few tears, and a deep sense of grief for the "need to struggle" to be who I choose to be.
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Your post touches on some things I've also experienced. I just finished reading a book by Barbara De Angelis (How Did I Get Here?) and in it she states, “If you are truly alive, if you are truly growing, you will undoubtedly come to many difficult transitions and crossroads in your life journey. These twists and turns are not arbitrary….It is because you have been so courageous, so determined to learn, to seek the truth, that you are here at all.” Reading that made me reframe my views of the difficulties I've gone through into learning experiences and chances to grow. I hope they help you get through the “not in my grateful space” days.
Bless you for your comment …. A few more tears, but a smile at the end of them :)
Isn't it strange:
When in the struggling we do our very best to be out (including the trying to drop all struggle ;-)
when outside of it, and contemplating how we got out, we find that we 'just have to stop'… and then we can't, and all of that?
I think all of that is showing we're still hooked to being a consistent 'adress' for life, whereas it might just be possible that here's no adress here at all - or on the contrary, we are all the adress there's ever going to be?
So lets go on to communicate - that's the name of the game I love to play…
Love,
Mushin
I am, at the moment reading “the art of effortless living” A fabulously “sensible” book about how we live our lives. I felt I had to struggle recently though, simply because the choice was to let my “inner bitch” take control of the show. This would have been very inapropriate. Though my “buttons” were being pressed, I would be very surprised to find that there was any deliberate attempt to “get” me. I was simply out of my comfort zone, and unable to “take time out” to rebalance as often as I would have liked. I am on the road to being effortlessly “bitchless” but in the mean time I have to use plan B :). It is interesting that you mention communication. One of the reasons why so many little things added up to one big “struggle” was that fact that I did not share a common language with 2 of the people involved, and so communication was extremely limited. I have always had a strong need to explain myself, especially when I know that I am not in a “possitive” place. I guess that life is wonderfully good, at throwing your coping mechinisms in your face, and saying “what you gonna do about it?”
I guess we cannot ever not communicate, so then the game becomes to communicate in such a way that we get what we want - peace, belonging, love even; all of the good things that can happen between us… and that's what we always want, don't we?
It's easy to be enlightened on one's own (or much easier) but when people are around with their own agendas and wants - things get more challenging… Some people try to change this with the realisation that 'we're all one' or with 'I am you'. But I find I love the difference and what can flow between us…
What often gives me peace is accepting the Mystery of it all…
Love,
Mushin
Namaste'
“… what can flow between us …” Oh Yes!
This flow between the two of you is beautiful. Thank You both.
“What often gives me peace is accepting the Mystery of it all…”
Thank you.