Bringing reality to the real world!

The few people that have been following my rather infrequent blogs, will know that I have been in a period of seriously re-evaluating my life.  The process has been painful, uncomfortable, magical and joyous.  I knew that my life was stressful, and just "not working" for me on a deep level.  I faced myself with that reality a while ago, but didn't know what to "do" about it.  I circled around and around, and fell into the trap of believing that the answer was "out there" somewhere.  I am beginning to look in the right place (in there!) and the process is becoming more stable, and slightly more practical :) 

I know that it is really easy to say that we choose how our lives are, and I know that it is really easy to say "yes.......but".  I am really feeling right now that there is no "but".  It is hard work owning all of my life, my decisions, my actions, and my feelings.   BUT..........  it is exceedingly freeing and clarifying to stop owning the decisions, actions and feelings of others.

In the last very intense month, it looked very much as if my marriage was over.  Luckily I think we are going to make it.  I was afraid that if I was totally honest, then I would loose him.  In the end it was total honesty that saved us.  We have seen very clearly that for many years now, we have been taking responsibility for the other person in deeply unhealthy ways, ways that felt very loving and caring, but were the root cause of a great deal of anger and a fundamental barrier between us.  In trying to deal with the other persons anger, and "make it better" we where on a fundamental level trying to "fix" each others lives. We have now taken back responsibility for dealing with our own lives, and letting the other deal with theirs.  This feels so much lighter, because even though it is hard work, it is achievable, rather than impossible.

I am left with no-one to blame, every-one to love, and an interesting challenge to live life to the full.